In April an opportunity opened for me to become the director of a child care center. It was a dream I had waited for. Four months after the doors opened they closed. We had gone from 8 children enrolled to 2. We had posted and passed out flyers. We had talked to people at the park, walking down the street as well as friends and family. Nothing was bringing the kids in. With 2 children we just couldn't afford to keep the doors opened. We gave the parents the option to put their children in our sister center. Which is where I am now working again.
So life took a turn that I was not expecting. I'm really not sure where I am going now or what I am doing. It's an exciting and scary place to be. This past week I've bawled my eyes out, had an "I don't even care, whatever attitude and been really excited for what's next. There have been overwhelming times and sit back and think times. The song Sing Me A Love Song by BarlowGirl really spoke to me the other day. This time has forced me to run into the arms of Jesus since my usual security blanket is in Romania (that would be my mom). I guess this is another learning to trust Jesus time. Sigh, I thought I had learned this already. :P Maybe this time it will stick.
These first three days of the Daniel Fast have been rough to say the least. I haven't really struggled with the food aspect of things, but the emotional and spiritual side of the fast. It seems that everything that could have been thrown at me has been. Communication breakdowns at work and with friends, working long hours due to the break down, and things Satan has tried to whisper into my heart. I am completely exhausted and it is only Wednesday. Where I have struggled with food is usually when I feel this way I drown my sorrows in dark chocolate, peanut butter and caramel macchiatos and for some reason beans, rice and guacamole just don't have the same effect. :P So instead of junk food, I have been cranking the worship music. Singing at the top of my lungs: "My heart is free! No chains on me!" "All my fountains are in You!" "Waiting here for You/With our hands lifted high in praise/And it's You we adore/Singing Alleluia" "I am alive cause You are alive/And Jesus your presence is changing my life." I wish I could say that my attitude has been amazingly transformed since I started this new habit of junking out on music, but not exactly. I still want chocolate, I'm still an emotional wreck, but I also want more of Jesus. Much more. I feel this fast is going to be a time of deepening my relationship with Him. Taking it to the next level. Embracing whatever that looks like. I was challenged today as I read Daniel 1 and jotted down some thoughts. Daniel 1:8 "But Daniel was determined not to defile himself by eating the food and wine given to them by the king. He asked the chief of staff for permission not to eat these unacceptable foods." Other versions say he resolved, made up his mind not to defile himself. Not only was he determined not to defile himself, but also to keep God first in his life, even though his life had dramatically changed. He was determined to follow, honor, please and serve God no what what happened in his life. So no matter what is going on in my life, communication break downs or long hours, I am determined to follow God. As I struggled this morning two songs played on the radio that spoke to me:
Yesterday we celebrated with some amazing friends we have known for many years. Denis and Mary Goodwin renewed their vows and celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary. 50 years! That is a long time. I was amazed and almost in tears as they stood up in front of over 100 of their family and friends, expressing their love for one another. They shared about their good times and the hard times that drew them closer to each other and closer to God. Their faith in God is at the very core of their marriage. Everything they do flows around their central faith. They purposed to do things together. If one of them didn't like the activity, they found a way to like it. Now, after knowing each other for 55 years, they like everything they do together. They have gone on adventures together. This couple travels so much. To Israel, a cruise in Panama, they are going on a Russian cruise, all over the US and beyond. They love people. That was evident in the amount of people that showed up and the places they had met them. From being next door neighbors to their ski club, hiking group, Church, Crimson Bridge, and various other ministries they serve in. I have been so blessed to have grown up around these two amazing people. They have watched me grow up, have prayed over my life and spoken words of wisdom into my heart. My life is filled with inspirational marriages. Papa David and Mima Janet will have their 50th this October, Gram Carol and Grandpa Chuck would have been married 50 years last June, my parents have been married 27 years and the list could go on. Among the friends in my community and the friends we caught up with at the party there are marriages that are so strong in God and they are so in love with each other. In this day where marriage is viewed as disposable it is refreshing to see people who live by the "To have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness or in health, to love and to cherish 'till death do us part" vows said at the alter. It fills my heart with joy as I look at the cloud of witnesses I have before me. It gives me hope as I patiently wait for my future man.
It's crazy how the dust gets blown off of old memories. A comment from a friend, a request, a song, a picture. Many memories lie beneath the dust in the attics of our mind. Some are buried under so much dust they may never be found or never want to be found. Some can be brought to light with a light dusting off. That dusting happened today. Many, many good memories were brought back into the light, but a few not so good memories. It started with a friend asking if I would bring my worship streamers to their church if I visited. I froze. My streamers? I haven't used them in years. Do I even know where they are? Now don't get me wrong. I love to dance. I dance around the house to my music, I dance with the kids at work, I dance with the Wii, heck I even dance when I'm cleaning the bathroom or the kitchen. But it has been a while since I danced with and for Jesus. I used to dance all the time for Him. Every church service, every time worship music was on, at conferences or retreats and during outreaches. Dancing was a part of my worship. God felt so close when I danced. When did that change? Well, I can't give the exact date. It was a slow fade and there were a few triggers. People at the church I was attending then became uncomfortable with dancing and the streamers. The worship leader on several occasions asked me to come to the front while I was worshiping. Too many people were watching me worship, I felt like a distraction. I felt uncomfortable. Dancing is a way I express my love, joy and adoration to God, but it began to feel like a performance rather than true worship. So slowly dancing faded out of my corporate worship then out of my personal worship. Dust began to fall. Will I dust off my dancing shoes? I don't know at this point. I guess first I will have to locate my streamers and dust them off.
As I read Hind’s Feet on High Places by Hannah Hurnard again, I felt that I should look back over the journey I am on just as little Much Afraid did.She had picked up 10 stones along her journey to the high places and each of them represented a lesson learned.There have been several instances when I look back that have been instrumental in shaping my life.At the time many of them didn’t seem all that important, but looking back I see now that they were.Through several of them I picked up physical evidences of what God did in my life, personal stones of remembrance.
I grew up in Christian home and in Church. Asked God in when I was about 3 years old.There was a program at church called Missionettes that we were involved with.As I moved up through the classes there were women that invested into my life, but the knowledge that I gained was mainly head knowledge.I learned a ton of memory verses, read the Bible, and did numerous studies although most of it didn’t penetrate to my heart.
July 1995 – I fell from a Class A motor home front captains seat while it was traveling about 25 miles per hour.The fall resulted in a skull fracture over my right ear.The skull fracture severed a small artery on my brain causing a blood clot to form.Emergency surgery by an outstanding neurosurgeon followed.Removal of the blood clot and repairing the skull fracture, with two metal plates and eight screws, were accomplished.Looking back this has showed me God’s hand in my life and serves as a reminder that God has big plans for me.This is more of a screw of remembrance, rather than a stone. ;)The whole story, which is quite lengthy, written by my mom can be read here: http://docs.google.com/Doc?docid=0AVsUZhqJXlo0ZGdqN2doZDRfMGdiZDluNnE0&hl=en
God began to work on my dreams for the future about when I was in the 6th grade.My mom, older sister, and I were on our way home from a mid-week church service.They had listened to a guy who works with teenagers that are living on the streets of Seattle and they were discussing the things he had talked about.His ministry took teens, who were living on the streets, off the streets and gave them training in certain career fields to help them stay off the streets.While my mom and sister were talking in the front of our mini van, I was sitting in the back seat just listening.At some point of the conversation, it felt like my heart leaped into my throat; their conversation faded out in my mind.All I could think about were kids around my age living on the streets with no protection.I wanted to help them.I wanted to be able to give them hope that the dreams they have, that seem squashed, can happen.With some help, they can be whatever they want to be. Over time the focus of who I want to work with and what I want to do changed and morphed.
On June 1, 2000 my parents gave me a purity ring to be a reminder to me of the promise I had made to them and my future husband to wait for him and to trust God with my future.One day that ring will be replaced by another to signify my lifelong commitment to my husband.
All through growing up I had a very child like faith in God.I went to church because my parents did.Don’t get me wrong, I loved God and served God, but it was on the coat tails of my parents.After I was crowned an Honor Star through Missionettes in 2000, I tried youth group and found it wasn’t a good fit for me. There wasn’t a clique that I fit into so I felt like an outsider.I started helping in the 2 & 3 year olds classroom in Wednesday nights.That was an instrumental time for me in the process of figuring out what direction I was heading.I loved working with the younger children and watching them develop.
During high school I turned a cold shoulder to the plans God had for my life.Reading my Bible had become a chore.For a period of about three years I closed my heart and my ears to what God had to say.I was doing what I wanted to do.I knew where I was going in life, but once I knew, I took control of how I would get there and who was coming with me.I entered a dating relationship against my parents and mentors better judgment and crammed life full of things to drown out the prick and the deep cry of my heart.On the outside it looked as if I was doing all the right things.I continued to go to church, do summer mission trips, and attend Green RiverCommunity College as a Running Start student.Stress began to become the norm in my life.I was sick in my body, mind, and soul.Due to the stress, I didn’t feel good most of the time and wasn’t sleeping well which lead to me being tired all the time.Being tired increased the amount of caffeine I drank during the day.Stress and caffeine lead to heart palpations.I was a mess, but still was not willing to let go.
September 14, 2006 was the first day of my DiscipleshipTraining School with YWAM.Three months of intense classroom learning followed by a two month outreach began a change in my heart and life.During the three months in Port Townsend I began to slowly let go of things I was holding onto including striving to be perfect and my need to know the unknown in my life.During the entire outreach, God was teaching me to trust Him in every aspect of my life.When I left to home for outreach, there were things I had to leave undone because of time.I didn’t know when I was moving to Portland, I did not get to finish filling out my application to EvergreenState, and when I left it was the start of a three month relationship fast.God was asking if I trusted Him enough to bring it all back together and take care of all the unknowns.Everyday it was a continual process of crying out to Him and letting go of all my fears.I had to pry my fingers off of controlling the steering wheel and allow God to take over.I had been stripped of all that was my comfort blanket: my home, family, friends, and boyfriend.God was asking, “Do you really trust me with everything?”
The last Sunday of outreach, February 25, 2007, during worship I declared that I trusted God to have control of my future and I gave Him my relationship with my boyfriend, which I ended in April because God showed me it was the best plan He had for me.I felt such a wonderful feeling of freedom after that and during our performance at the church I had so much fun dancing under the new freedom I had found.At that moment I was able to let go of everything I was holding onto.Not only did I embrace that Jesus came to save and forgive me, but he also came that I might have a hope and a future.I wanted something to remember this lesson by.Something I could physically look at everyday and be reminded of what God did in my life.I decided to get my nose pierced as a stone of remembrance (July 2, 2007). Back then I swore I was gonna marry him someday/But I realized some bigger dreams of mine ~T.S.
I moved to Portland at the end of March 2007 to intern at BridgeTown Ministries and direct their BTown Kids ministry over the summer.Portland was a painful, growing season for me.I had just come off an intense time surrounded by people all the time.This was my first time being on my own and I was learning to juggle work, ministry, and my relationship with God, which was the point of this internship.I had started working out my own salvation on DTS and that continued all through this time plus I was dealing with a break-up.Figuring out what my relationship with God meant to me, not what it meant to my parents.How personal of a relationship was I going to have with Him?Was I going to continue to trust Him with my life and future?
When I moved home in October 2007, a new phase of life opened up for me.I started my Bachelor of Arts Degree at The Evergreen State College Tacoma Campus in January 2008.I put my head down and dove right in.My focus was on school and work, that was it.That was my life.As school was winding down this past summer, I had no idea what was next.Shortly after my last class in July 2009 my supervisor at work is took my employee file to the State office to get my official job title changed to Director. There was training for child care directors and owners on August 6th that I took. I was quite shocked when my boss told me about the training and brought up the subject of the job change. Since the summer started, enrollment has been down at work, so I had been a little discouraged because I didn't think working full time would be a possibility, much less being put into a director's position.I will be honest and say that I am a little frustrated because things haven’t been moving as fast as I would like them to since the summer.
I still have no idea what the next few years will hold for me, but I know who is holding them and I am trusting in Him to guide me into His best plan for my life.
Album: My Paper Heart Artist: Francesca Battistelli
At twenty years of age I'm still looking for a dream A war's already waged for my destiny But You've already won the battle And You've got great plans for me Though I can’t always see
(Chorus) ‘Cause I got a couple dents in my fender Got a couple rips in my jeans Try to fit the pieces together But perfection is my enemy On my own I'm so clumsy But on Your shoulders I can see I'm free to be me
When I was just a girl I thought I had it figured out My life would turn out right, and I'd make it here somehow But things don't always come that easy And sometimes I would doubt
(Chorus)
And you’re free to be you
Sometimes I believe that I can do anything Yet other times I think I've got nothing good to bring But You look at my heart and You tell me That I've got all You seek And it’s easy to believe Even though
I was sitting in the kitchen the other day and a strange thought hit me: "Being on the home side of an outreach is really an odd thing." This is the first Summer in, oh 9 years that I haven't gone on a short term trip. God had other plans, which are pretty cool. But I am so used to being there in the action, a part of the doing aspect of the trip. It is a weird feeling to be home thinking about them, praying for them, and wondering what they are up to! And missing the amazing food! :) I have gained a new perspective in being a part of the "Home Team." I miss my peeps and really wish I could have gone with them!
God's other plans: So most of you know that I have finished my BA degree from Evergreen and work at a child care center in Tacoma. My supervisor at work is taking my employee file to the State office to get my official job title changed to Director. There is a training for child care directors and owners on August 6th that I am going to take part in. I would not be able to if I had gone with the team. At the time I was praying about going or not, I was confused and even a little angry when I didn't feel like I was to go. I told God: "You better have something good planned because I really want to go!" Well he did! I was quite shocked when my boss told me about the training and brought up the subject of the job change. Since the summer started, enrollment has been down at work, so I have been a little discouraged because I didn't think working full time would be a possibility right now, much less being put into a director's position. But here it is staring at me in the face! It is a little daunting and scary, but I know that it is where Abba wants me to be. I am going to climb into this roller coaster, strap in, and trust God knows what is best!
It feels almost weird. Graduation at the Olympia Campus was yesterday and Tacoma's was today. It's weird, surreal almost... and a little scary, I will admit. I have talked to quite a few people about the "I have no idea what to do now" problem I am facing, the answer was most often "wait." I really do not like that word. And I certainly do not like being in "The Waiting Place" as Dr. Suess put it. Oddly enough, the advice that made the most sense came from my adviser at school. When I presented the question: what do I do now? He simply stated: "You live. You do what you are doing and gain experience. Soon enough the pieces of what you to do will come." Now, I can live. That is something I can do. What is really amazing, is Dr. McCreary is not a believer. And even more amazing is God speaks through everything and everyone and in ways we can hear Him.
So for the last 2 days, Facebook has told me that my profile is down because of maintenance and will be back up in the next few hours. Does few hours mean days!? And the help they give isn't help at all. To ask Facebook users what do you, one must be logged in, but I can't log it. I have requested to reset my password, but no email has been sent to me. There is NO way to contact anyone at Facebook. Every link I have found in contacting someone leads me back to the help page. The help page says to clear my cookies and cache if the site maintenance has been there longer than 24 hours. Did that and still can't log in. The Facebook app on my phone isn't even working. It is just really frustrating.
So I am now taking a sabadical from Facebook. There will be 10 bajillion notifications when I get on. I used to have a ton of respect for the way Facebook was set up versus MySpace, but they lost a little of my respect because there is no way to get true help from them. I guess if I want to keep up with all my friends, I have to email, text, or call them ALL individually and like I have time for that!
Yes, I realize I don't write things as much as *some* people think. *coughAmandacough* Sometimes these thoughts that I could turn into a blog come, but they do not come at the most opportune times. Same with ideas about my projects at school. These thoughts pop in when I am driving or trying to get to sleep or when I am in the shower. Not good times to be writing things down. And my brain is having "senior" moments. Not the I am over 65 senior moments, but the I will graduate in about 6 months senior moments. My brain feels done. Poke it with a fork, it could be overcooked at this point. It doesn't seem to matter how much sleep I get, I am tired. There is a lot to think about and a lot to do. This next quarter will be a stressful one because we have a community fair that the students do research projects for, so I will be working on that. This schooling has been good, but I am definitely ready for it to be over with. Come on, I have been going to school since I was 5, so that makes 16 years of school! I have a lot of book knowlegde and now I am ready for practical, hands-on learning. Some life learning. Which I know can be more difficult than book learning, but most times it is more beneficial. So I have 20 credits this Spring quarter and 8 in the Summer.
I am really looking forward to my time in California this next week. Weather that is slightly warmer and sunnier than it has been here. I will be there with two of my best friends and will get to see a couple other friends while I am there. There will be a lot of chilling, hanging out, walking, and laughing. :) It will be a good break before going back to school.
That is all the thoughts I have for now! I am going to go to bed cause 5:30am is going to come earlier than I want it too.
So Saturday, the dumbest thing happened. I woke up with a song stuck in my head. Yes a song. Not just any song... "Waltzing Matilda" Ugh! It is the weekend!!! I don't want a little kid song stuck in my head! Oh, it gets better. Not only was Matilda stuck, so was "I'm a big kid now." Holy cow! I can't get away from it. And it's not like they are the cool songs either. No, they are the ones at the end of the CD. Psh... LAME!!!
The part that was stuck: Waltzing Matilda, Waltzing Matilda You'll come a-Waltzing Matilda with me And he sang as he stowed that jumbuck in his tucker-bag You'll come a-Waltzing Matilda with me
And... I can count to 52 Learn my ABC's Mom will show me how I can even tie my shoe Hey just look at me! I'm a big kid now
(You can Google them to see the whole song if you wish.)
So I have about 2 1/2 quarters left until a new chapter of life begins. August 28th is the official day of school ending for me. I must say that I am ready. Ready to not have the stress of this is due and that is due. I can feel the Senioritis creeping in. But I have to stay focused. There is still a lot of work to be done between now and the end of August.
I am sitting in class and what he is saying is going right over my head. :P And then in the workshop that we are having the second half of class, I know what they are talking about. Today feels kinda like a waste in class. Oh wells. Alright! This is week five of the Fall quarter 2008 which means that I am halfway through the quarter. Yessss! So, I have about 33 weeks left until school is over for me. The countdown is on! Graduation is on June 12th, but I have to finish up 8 credits in the Summer. I am really ready to be done. It has been hard for me to get into the routine and flow of school as well as working part time. So this quarter has been stressful in that way.
Well I am finally getting around to writing about my trip this summer. It is hard to describe and put into words all the thoughts, feelings, emotions, sights, and sounds, but I will attempt to just for you all. A lot of the pictures are posted, but when you take over 1500 pictures in a month it is hard to post them all. :)
China July 25-August 9: A team from the small town of Bonney Lake ventured into new territory this summer as we met up with some friends from China to teach at an English training for teachers. We met at Middle School #2 in Huangyuan, Qinghai, China for two weeks encouraging these English teachers to speak and practice their English with us. In the morning they had structured classes that inclueded The Building Blocks of Engish, Including Media and Literature in Teaching, and Teaching Methodology. In the afternoons they attended a small conversation group and a Culture Class. I was a Conversation group leader. So pretty much I had two groups each day for an hour and 2 minutes and my "job" was to get them to speak... in English. We had a book of activities and games that helped out a lot! We had fun! Obviously we couldn't say much about our beliefs, but you hoped and prayed that an opportunity would present itself in your conversations. My first class there were 4 students and in my second I had 6, but one of the Education Department heads joined my class so I ended up with 7 people. Their Enlish levels ranged from very low to pretty well. In the evenings, after dinner, we had activites that they could come and experience if they wanted. We taught them frisbee and baseball, had a sing-along, remarried Amy and Jesse in a mock wedding, watched "Amazing Grace," and had a basketball competition. As usual the food was amazing! :) I love Chinese food the bestest!!! Tried some new dishes, but all in all I still love it! I gotta learn how to make some things.
Bejing August 9-10: Mom and I spent the night in Bejing before going on to Romania cause Mom didn't want to spend the night in the airport. Now drop a small town girl into a HUGE city and a five star hotel and she goes crazy! :) Mom was a little embarassed. Hehe.. First the guy who picked us up from the airport came in a shiny, black car. We pull up to the hotel and it is like brand spanking new. They come out and get our luggage for us, open the door, and the attendents stand up when you walk in. They were very helpful and showed us to our room. Wow! Our room was soo cool! Open and airy and sweet! Comfy beds, flat screen tv, nice carpet... it was just sweet! You'll have to check out the pics just to see how sweet. So we chilled for a bit after getting to the hotel then took a walk. We found a mall and looked for something to eat. I wanted Western food, so we went to KFC. We headed to the supermarket to get some water, walked around the mall for a bit, then headed back to the hotel for a rest. This was the only time I ever saw the Olympic Games in English. There was one channel that was showing them in English. Mom read a bit and took a nap. Then we headed out for a longer walk trying to find a park that we passed on the way in and we found it. We walked around that, looked at stuff, and found the Starbucks!!! :) We drank our first Starbucks made drink in two weeks. Aaah. Then we headed back to the supermarket to get some dinner and ice cream. We ate, watched some more Olympics, then went to bed. Got up early for breakfast of eggs, bacon, toast and fruit. Yum! Then it was time to head back to the airport and get back to real life.
Romania August 10-25: Mom and I got there a day and a half before the other team arrived so we spent it with Andreea who is one of the interpreters that goes with us. We walked around Bucharest, but mainly we spent time with her. We met part of the team at the train station on the 12th and made the 5 hour ride to Sighisoara to mee the rest of the team at Project House. The next morning we started the whole medical side of things by sorting and counting pills! Doc unpacked his medical supplies and got organized. To read about the trip visit http://2008romania.spaces.live.com/ The main reason I went this year was for the relationships that have already with the missionaries and interpreters. I love working with the people and helping fill thier needs don't get me wrong. Andreea has had a hard time this year... no her whole life pretty much has been hard. I mainly went to see her and encourage her.
Hmm, so like, life is crazy right now. That is the best way to describe it. I have felt so stressed and tired lately. Crazy I tell ya. Mom flew out last Monday for Florida cause her Gramma isn't doing to well. School is getting piled on as our Community Fair gets closer and I feel like I have to read a bajillion things and write a bajillion papers, so the random blogs I have rolling around in my brain aren't getting written cause papers are more important right now. :P There is a job application and resume sitting on the table that I have been meaning to take with me since Friday and it has gotten left on the table every morning I have been to school. I have been having a hard time focusing during our church's time of fasting, cause I am so tired and can't focus on any one thing for very long. (Google Daniel Fast to find more info) And because of the fast, I can't give into the pms cravings that are totally hitting my right now (and salad does not take the place of sugar or chocolate!). Every weekend has had something scheduled on it, so I really haven't really had much breathing room.
Having said that... Crazy thought I had the other day: It has been a year since I broke up with JP. I had a dream, and he was in it, the other night... creeped me out actually.... and I got to thinking about the relationship and the timing of things, and yeah, one year this last weekned (if I remember right). Before anyone asks me.... I am doing great! It was a God thing cause we just weren't right for eachother, so really, I am good. :) That is just part of the random, crazy things that are going through my head as I think about this paper I have to write for tomorrow. :P Let's just say, I am soo looking forward to the end of the quarter! :) But before that, the King side fam are meeting at the beach in a couple of weekends! yesh! haha.. it was at a King side thing that my default pic was taken. :) Dad's rendition of my picture. My family is so funny. :P haha... I love them.
Okay, so beofere I keep rambling on, I will end this post. Please don't take it as a depressing post.... it really wasn't written as that. It should have the feel of: haha, life is crazy! Here is why mine is crazy! LOL!! "We all got a little junk in the trunk And when you're feelin' good as sunk Remember, everything will be just fine If I laugh at yours then you'll laugh at mine" (Shedaisy)
I need to get a job, but dunno where to start. *sigh* My resume needs a bit of tweaking, but I am not good at selling myself or talking about myself. Looking at child care in the Tacoma area, near my school which is at 6th and Martin Luther King Jr Way (ish). So yeah...
The warm sunshine.The smell of green grass and wild flowers.The feeling of Spring.My heart is full of joy as I run into the field laughing.Today is special.I cam feel it.The scene around me begins to spin as I twirl around and around, still laughing.When the dizziness over takes me, I fall onto a bed of wild flowers out of breath but happy.The sun is shining just for me today.As I catch my breath, I come to my knees and begin to pick a few colorful flowers from beside me.They seem to reflect the joyous feeling that is in my heart.There is a stirring at the edge of the field.As I look up, my heart leaps.There stands my Lover, the one who has cause my heart so much joy.How long he has been there, I do not know.His smile is as big and bright as the sunshine.I jump up to run and greet him.With eyes shining he laughs as he runs along the outskirts of the field.We begin in a game of chase.Sometimes I am chasing but then we switch and I become the chased.Eventually he catches me.His strong arms wrap around me, swinging me around in the air.We sit in the grass watching the clouds float by.He takes my small, soft hand in his strong, scarred one and we walk away from the field with the sun setting behind us.Neither one of us saying anything because we don’t need to.Because I am my Lover’s and He is mine.
Caution: This is a ventilation post. Please do not be alarmed by the content or thoughts expressed.
I don't even know how to start this out. I am so sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. It doesn't seem to matter how much or how little sleep I get, I am still tired. I don't want the doctor to give me a pill or whatever. I hate waking up and feeling crappy all the time. There is nothing wrong with me. The doctor already checked me out. I just feel bad when I get up. Tis morning sickness without the pregnancy, cause there is no way that could happen. I am in survival mode is what it feels like. Just do what you have to do to survive. Read this for school, write that, go here, go there. I am tired of working hard for stuff! I guess I am most tired of being emotional. Up and down, up and down. I want to be even keeled. There are so many thoughts and feelings racing around. People tell me what a good thing I am doing, going to school and heading towards my goals at a young age. It doesn't always feel good. I don't like school. I don't. I am enjoying somethings about the school I am going to, but there are somethings that I just don't get. And that bugs me! I know that not everyone understands and gets everything they are ever taught in their life, but that doesn't help. I want to help people! I want to be out there playing and teaching children. Then there are things I am dealing with internally. The battlefield they call the mind. Always going, always thinking. Yes the Bible says to take every thought captive, but how? There are so many! Thinking about the what if this happens, the I want this, the how would it look if... all day, every day constantly going. And there is the I'm single and it sucks. Now I know that it isn't the right time for a relationship, but I want it so bad. There is the friends thing. I don't have that one person that I am super close to. I have friends that care about me and that I hang out with every once in a while. But we run in different circles now. Church... I love my church! The closeness and the family. They are my second family. But there are like three of us who are singles. Me and two guys. I really like my sisters church. There are lots of young people who are on fire for God! There are college groups and people my age that I can connect with. But I would have to build those relationships and that takes time and energy. I am just having an emotional time right now. I think a lot of this is spiritual and I am not feeling very strong right now. But I know in my heart of hearts that my God is big enough to handle it. He says to stand firm and He will fight for me. So I am just going to keep plugging along. Waking up everyday saying, "Today is Your day, Abba. I trust You to take care of me and the people around me."
This time of year is always kind of depressing for me as a single female. Even when I had a bf it was a down day. I don't know what it is about V-day, it just depresses me. Maybe it is because I have never known the clique phrase "true love" from a guy. My parents love me, my siblings love me, my friends love me but that is different then having the love of a husband. On Sunday, I heard two songs that shed a new light on my V-day blues.
Amazing Grace (My Chains are Gone) by Chris Tomlin Amazing grace How sweet the sound That saved a wretch like me I once was lost, but now I'm found Was blind, but now I see
'Twas grace that taught my heart to fear And grace my fears relieved How precious did that grace appear The hour I first believed
My chains are gone I've been set free My God, my Savior has ransomed me And like a flood His mercy reigns Unending love, Amazing grace
The Lord has promised good to me His word my hope secures He will my shield and portion be As long as life endures
My chains are gone I've been set free My God, my Savior has ransomed me And like a flood His mercy reigns Unending love, Amazing grace
My chains are gone I've been set free My God, my Savior has ransomed me And like a flood His mercy reigns Unending love, Amazing grace
The earth shall soon dissolve like snow The sun forbear to shine But God, Who called me here below Will be forever mine Will be forever mine
You are forever mine
The More I Seek You by Kari Jobe The more I seek you, the more I find you The more I find you, the more I love you
I wanna sit at your feet Drink from the cup in your hand. Lay back against you and breathe, hear your heart beat This love is so deep, it's more than I can stand. I melt in your peace, it's overwhelming
The phrase that started this whole thought process on V-day was "You are forever mine." That hit me! Not like a train crashing, but like running into a big hug from someone who loves you. It was so amazing! I felt the love of Jesus washing over me. I don't know the words to describe the feeling. It was better than anything I have ever felt before. He loves me so much!! That phrase can go both ways... Us telling God "You are forever mine" and God telling us "You are forever mine." Either way, it's amazing! Then the very next song we sang was "The More I Seek You." That overwhelming feeling of wanting to sit at His feet, lean against Him, and feel His heartbeat. And that His love for me is deeper then any guy could ever love me. As I thought about this during the rest of worship and during the announcements a couple of verses from Song of Songs came to mind: (I am putting them here out of The Message)
4:7 - You're beautiful from head to toe, my dear love, beautiful beyond compare, absolutely flawless. 4:9 - You've captured my heart, dear friend. You looked at me, and I fell in love. One look my way and I was hopelessly in love! 6:3 - I am my lover's and my lover is mine. (A better known version is: I am my beloveds and my beloved is mine.)
When you think about how God is the Lover of you soul and this is what he thinks of me! Wow! I am speechless and amazed! My V-day blues are no more! I know who my Valentine is this year! Is He yours?
